Aug 30, 2013 - Adoption    No Comments

The A B C’s of Adoption

What are the A B C’s of adoption? For the purpose of this post they
are acceptance, being there, and communication. For other purposes
they may be other things depending on what the person wants them
to be, but to me these are the three most basic things in an adoptive
household.

Acceptance is a two-way street. The adoptive parents must accept
their adopted child unconditionally, with whatever baggage he or she
brings along, and acknowledge his or her adoptive status. Accept that
your child is not your flesh and blood, but is yours to nature and nurture.
Accept that your adoptee has a right to acknowledgment of such, no
secrets to hide this. The adoptee, on the other hand, should feel
comfortable in acknowledging his or her status as an adoptee, that you
are his or her parent(s), and that he or she is appreciative of being given
the opportunity of having a family to call his or her own. In my book,
acceptance and appreciation say a lot more than simply being grateful.

Being there, an important step the adoptive parent(s) must strive to
achieve. The adoptee must know that they will be there if he or she
requires comforting, needs someone to talk to, or needs help of some
kind that they can provide. The adoptee should also be told by them, if it
is a known fact that the biological parents haven’t died, that their biological
parent(s) loved him or her and would be waiting with open arms to accept
him or her when the time comes if at all. The adoptee should be warned as
well that should the biological parent(s) not act in such a manner, it isn’t
his or her fault. Give it time. In many cases the issues resolve on their own.
Sometimes though they don’t and it may be for their best.

Communication helps all sides get through the tough times as well as the
good ones. Communication between the adoptive parent(s) and the adoptee is
of utmost importance. I missed out on this. My parents used a foreign
language to communicate between themselves so I wouldn’t understand. When
I started picking up words here and there, letting on that I knew they were
talking about me, they switched to yet another language. An adoptee needs the
communication of parent to child. Give it to them. If parents want to discuss
something the adoptee shouldn’t hear, wait until the child is asleep or the adult
adoptee has left. There is no need of sneaking in things in a foreign language in
their presence. It makes the adoptee feel strange, suspicious they’re talking
about him, and could lead to lack of trust.

So help build a great relationship. Remember the three basics: acceptance,
being there, and communication. You’ll never go wrong with this.

What are your thoughts on the three basics? Leave your comments below.

Aug 8, 2013 - Adoption, Genealogy    No Comments

Interesting book trailer on Youtube

Richard Hill, author of Finding Family: the Search for My Roots and the Secrets of My DNA, shares in his trailer the benefits of DNA testing in a search for biologic family.

What are your thoughts? Would you consider using DNA testing in your search process? Have you used it and were you successful or not?

BTW, if you’re an adoptee reading this post and are in the Seattle WA area I am building a Meetup group for adult adoptees. To join go to http://www.meetup.com/Eastside-Adult-Adoptees/members/

Hope to see you there.

Gloria

Apr 23, 2013 - Adoption    No Comments

Secrets – No Place in a Family and Especially in Adoption

I know what it feels like to be growing up in a place where secrets abound. I also know what it feels like when lies, even little white lies, are used as cover-ups.

I grew up as an only child. My adoptive parents didn’t want to tell me I was adopted, and probably wouldn’t have if not for a young neighbor’s prank. I won’t tell you what the prank was, for that you’ll have to read my book when it is published, only that the way I found out was unusual and I was four years old at the time. That is when my adoptive mother opened up a bit and consented that I was adopted and swore me to secrecy about it.

Years later I discovered that it was mostly a secret for me; other neighbors, family members, and family friends all knew the truth. I also knew that I was led to believe that their first child before me, who died from leukemia, before I was even born was theirs and became ill with cancer due to their being first cousins. This is not so. He too was adopted.  I’m pretty sure that had he not taken ill, he, too, would not have been told.

For years I lived in a secret world without knowing it. My medical records were based on what I knew, and what I knew was based on my adoptive family. I now know that this can lead to serious consequences. Back then, I was a child and didn’t know this.

So my point with writing this post is a call to adoptive parents everywhere – there is no place for secrets. Even the youngest child has the capacity to understand if you tell him or her at his level of understanding. When children question about where they came from, tell them they were adopted. It may end there, or it may be followed with a request for clarification. Please don’t tell them that they smiled at you so you chose them. Most babies smile at people, it is a natural instinct. Tell them the truth, whatever that may be.

It took me thirty-seven years to learn where I came from and to start being able to put the pieces together. It doesn’t have to be that way. I couldn’t have asked for better parents either way so why cause further issues by resorting to secrets?

What secrets were you told to keep as a result of your adoption? Please share them below in the comments.

Gloria

Apr 23, 2013 - Genealogy    No Comments

Paternal birth family

Paternal birth father’s family:


BEAL, BEALS, BENT, DODGE, GOFFE, KENT,
LAURILLIARD, LOKER, LONGLEY, PARKER, PEARSON, PEASE, PRESCOTT, SABEAN, SAWTELL, SHADWIN

12th great grandparents:
Edward LONGLEY and Ann (unknown)
unknown

11th great grandparents:
Edward LONGLEY and unknown
unknown

10th great grandparents:
Edmund LONGLEY and unknown
unknown

9th great grandparents:
John LONGLEY and Anne (PEARSON)
unknown

8th great grandparents:
William LONGLEY and Joanna (GOFFE)
unknown

7th great grandparents:
William LONGLEY and Lydia (PEASE)
Jonas PRESCOTT and Mary (LOKER)

6th great grandparents:
John LONGLEY and Sarah (PRESCOTT)
Joseph PARKER and Abigail (SAWTELL)

5th great grandparents:
Wiliam LONGLEY II and Mary (PARKER)
Isaac KENT and Rachel (BEAL)

4th great grandparents:
Israel LONGLEY and Anna (KENT)
Stephen DODGE and Blanche (SHADWIN)

3rd great grandparents:
Isaac LONGLEY and Freelove (DODGE)
Arod BEALS and Catherine (DeLONG)

Great great grandparents:
Isaac LONGLEY and Catherine (BEALS)
unknown

Great grandparents:
Isaac Avery LONGLEY and Annie (SABEAN)
unknown

Grandparents:
Wilfred Laurier LONGLEY and Dorothy Leona (LAURILLIARD)

Birth father: Malcolm Darrell LONGLEY
Birth mother: Marcia Katherine FRITZ

Note* They were not married.

Gloria

Apr 23, 2013 - Genealogy    No Comments

Maternal birth family

Maternal birth family surnames:


BERMAN (or BIERMAN), DEVENISHKIJ, DEVNOVSCH, SCHUSTER (CHILDREN CHANGED TO FRITZ), KOHN, ROSS

3rd great grandparents:
unknown DENVENISHKIJ and unknown DEVNOVSCH

Moishe UNKNOWN and Leah Golde UNKNOWN

Great great grandparents:
Zolmon SCHUSTER and Eshie UNKNOWN

unknown and unknown

Great grandparents:
Jacob (Schuster) FRITZ and Kate (KOHN)
John ROSS and Ruchel-Baile (BERMAN or BIERMAN)

Grandparents:
Joseph (Schuster) FRITZ and Aida ROSS
Wilfred Laurier LONGLEY and Dorothy Leona (LAURILLIARD)

Birth mother: Marcia Katherine FRITZ
Birth father: Malcolm Darrell LONGLEY

Till next time
Gloria

Apr 23, 2013 - Adoption, Genealogy    No Comments

New Web page: Forever Bonded at Birth: An Adoptee Searches for Her Roots

Please visit my new page Forever Bonded at Birth.

Come see what I’ve been busy working on. Follow this blog for more interesting posts related to adoption, genealogy and associated issues.

Please leave comments on what you like about the Web page, what you don’t like, and what you’d like to see.

Also comment with answers to:

What kinds of posts would you like to see here?

Where would large groups of adoptees be found online? offline?

See ya soon, Gloria Oren

Apr 23, 2013 - Adoption    No Comments

Dr. Jane Aaronson, the Orphan Doctor

Have you heard of Dr. Jane Aaronson, the Orphan Doctor? Well for one she is a pediatrician and second she’s from #Brooklyn, NY where I am originally from too. She was interviewed by Babble magazine on her non-profit organization and specialization in pre/post adoption orphans.

Beginning her career as a pediatric AIDS specialist, she became interested in the health of children living in international orphanages.

When asked about age preference of children to be adopted, she noted the pros and cons of infant/toddler age versus the older child leaning heavily on the fact that the older child’s personality can be seen whereas the infant is in the development stage.

Regarding #attachment disorder effects observed in #adoption she said, “Attachment disorder is likely more based on brain chemistry and brain damage.” She explains further that “attachment likely has more to do with brain damage that occurs during the pregnancy, due to malnourishment, exposure to toxins in the environment, infections during the pregnancy, exposure to alcohol and drugs and smoking.”

Aaronson, herself the mother of two adopted children (one from Ethiopia and one from Vietnam) is founder of Worldwide Orphans Foundation and has a website .

A bit about myself

I’m an adult adoptee, adopted twice: once at birth and second as an adult. I was reunited with my birth mother in 1996 eight days prior to my 41st birthday and three months later with my birth father’s family. My birth father had already passed away.

My birth mother and her family are Jewish, but my birth father and his family weren’t. His family dates back to England and some of the first settlers in America’s Colonial colonies, especially in Massachusetts and Maine. This reference is to the Groton, Massachusettes LONGLEY line. Most of this line is connected through John “the Captive” LONGLEY. More on this later.

Thanks for visiting, and hope you do come back.

Gloria